Prior to 2016, I was a person you probably wouldn’t recognize. I was going into my 25th year of living with myalgic encephalomyelitis (CFIDS) and fibromyalgia after a brief, incomplete remission. Intensity of exhaustion was a perpetual and silent mantra, the kind of bone-deep debilitation that would make me pray for divine help just to get out of bed. My muscles and joints were in constant 24/7 pain; I hadn't slept on my left side for five years because of consequential abdominal spasms, and I couldn't straighten my legs in bed without seizing up. I had indigestion havoc daily. I was urinary incontinent, and the glands beneath my chin were swollen. I could not talk on the phone for more than 15 minutes without tiring or spend a few hours socially without paying for it with a night of severe adrenaline rushes and nausea. I stopped reading regularly and had to wear sunglasses while watching the television because light from the screen would give me intense eye pain. I had physical, sickening anxiety that would make my spine shake on the worst days; on better days, it filled my mind with constant dread. Every morning, I would wake up in a fetal ball with even my toes curled, my hands in fists, and my jaw cemented shut from stress. Bleeding, raw eczema would flare up on my hands, shoulders, soles of my feet, and chest. My husband told me I had blacked out in front of him, but I had no memory of it. I was flatlined emotionally and in despair that my relapse had worsened to such an extent, even worse than many years prior when I was almost bed-ridden. I had no hope of ever feeling human again, and my account of that time is only the tip of the iceberg. I had never abused my body, was raised in a health-conscious home and continued on that path in my adult life. There was no outward organic reason for my illness. I tried everything medically, holistically, and spiritually, but nothing worked for long. I would often push myself beyond my limits to prove that I was a functioning human being only to pay for it later behind closed doors.
Today, I feel that I have been reincarnated into a different body and consciousness. On most days, I have more energy than I even had during the healthiest days of my childhood. If I should get an ache or pain associated with simply being human, I stop and pause, as if it’s an unexpected stranger at my door. For the first time in my life, I truly feel young—in body, mind, and spirit. I can enjoy my life with my beautiful and amazing husband, talk for an unlimited time with dear friends, put in hours of mental, creative, or physical work and still have energy left over to take two walks a day and do a full mat workout. To date, my regular exercise regimen includes 160 crunches on the exercise ball, 70 modified pushups, deep core work, and hiking. I dance in the woods and break into a spontaneous run through the meadow when the spirit moves me. With my health transformation came eczema-free skin and the unexpected perk of my once-straight hair going curly.
For me, the vital turning point was understanding that my illness was the by-product of complex energetic patterns replaying in my physical nervous system. For me, healing began with a spiritual experience that led to understanding my body’s unique physiological patterns of emotion (we all have them!) that began before I learned to walk. My healing began when I confronted all the emotional pain I had literally buried in my nervous system, soft tissues, and womb. My healing began when I aligned with specific sound frequencies to dissolve the cellular imprints of the past. My healing firmly took root with a powerful, trauma-free Shakti/kundalini awakening.
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Within six months of this awakening and putting in the sometimes-agonizing emotional work, I had literally been reborn, and all of that good stuff I was doing for my physical body could take effect with more positive results! Although my transformation feels miraculous, when we understand the body’s energetic/vibrational workings, it is simply an example of what might be attainable when we work with multilevel resonance and resolution of emotional trauma at the vibrational level. I believe that most of us on this planet are cellular flash drives of our pain, grief, losses, frustrations, unconscious or unacknowledged anger, self-negation, and internalizations of wounding from other wounded souls. I believe that stubborn, unresponsive, chronic illness has a deep psychosomatic taproot. The word psychosomatic does not connote imaginary ill health or mental instability but simply, unconscious mind-body connections--very real physical illness with subconscious emotional origins. Prolonged white-knuckling stress and unprocessed trauma can wreak havoc on the cellular level. We can address it for years, work toward integration and healing, but subconsciously, internally, remain in the trenches; we will go in circles until we find the taproot, pull it from our cellular consciousness, and acquire and utilize daily lifelong tools for maintenance.
The most beautiful thing is realizing that I no longer have to unconsciously embody emotional pain (my own and that of others in my family constellation). I am also not what my illness led me to believe. I am whole, and to my surprise, capable of deep, exquisite, life-changing joy that is independent of personal or global circumstances. During my healing process, I had no goals, no ambitions; all I did was allow myself the process and to feel the process.
For complete healing to happen, I believe that we must first love ourselves enough to allow it. We must also level illusionary walls of preconceived ideas about self, dogmas placed upon us by other people, society, and cultural whims. Self-honesty is paramount, and we must work with the energy of Love; without it, nothing is possible. If you'd like to continue the conversation, I welcome it.
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Be free!
M. D.
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