Healing, Miracles, and Resonance...my story
Five and a half years ago, I was a person you probably wouldn’t recognize. I was going into my 25th year of living with myalgic encephalomyelitis (CFIDS) and fibromyalgia after a brief, incomplete remission. Intensity of exhaustion was a perpetual and silent mantra, the kind of bone-deep debilitation that would make me pray for divine help in order to get out of bed or die. My pain levels were so elevated that I could barely walk in the mornings and had to ask my husband Joe to pick something up if I dropped it. I was so weak and my elbows so inflamed, I couldn't push the cart at the supermarket, even if it only had a few items in it. I hadn't slept on my left side for five years because of consequential abdominal spasms. I couldn't stretch my legs straight out in bed. I had indigestion havoc daily, so much so, I couldn't drink more than a few sips of water at a time or I'd pay for it for hours afterward. I hadn't played the guitar in years and only played the piano when my neck, back, hips, and hands could take it. I had to step very carefully off a 3-inch curb or my back would go into knee-buckling spasms. I could not talk on the phone for more than 15 minutes without tiring or spend a few hours socially without paying for it with a night of severe adrenaline rushes and nausea. I stopped reading regularly and had to wear sunglasses while watching the television because any kind of indoor light would give me intense eye pain. I was urinary incontinent, and the glands under my chin were swollen. I had physical, sickening anxiety that would make my spine shake on the worst days; on better days, it filled my mind with constant dread or made me almost OCD with a fear of germs. Every morning I would awaken in a fetal ball with even my toes curled, my hands in fists, and my jaw so cemented shut from stress that it would literally take me 15 minutes to unravel myself with a lot of effort and pain. Bleeding, raw eczema would flare up on my hands, shoulders, soles of my feet, and chest regularly; I hadn't been without bone-deep itching for more than 12 years. My husband told me I had blacked out in front of him, but I had no memory of it. I was flatlined emotionally and in despair that my relapse had worsened to such an extent, even worse than many years prior when I was almost bed-ridden.
I had no hope of ever feeling human again, and my account of that time is only the tip of the iceberg. I had never abused my body, was raised in a health-conscious home and continued on that path in my adult life. There was no outward organic reason for my illness. I tried everything medically, holistically, and spiritually, but nothing worked for long. I would often push myself beyond my limits to prove that I was a functioning human being only to pay for it later behind closed doors.
Today, I feel that I have been reincarnated into a different body and consciousness. On most days, I have more energy than I even had during the healthiest days of my childhood. If I should get an ache or pain associated with simply being human, I stop and pause, as if it’s an unexpected stranger at my door. For the first time in my life, I truly feel young—in body, mind, and spirit. I can enjoy my life with my beautiful and amazing husband, talk for an unlimited time with dear friends, put in hours of mental, creative, or physical work and still have energy left over to take two walks a day and do a full mat workout. To date, my regular exercise regimen includes 160 crunches on the exercise ball, 70 modified push ups, deep core work, and hiking. I dance in the woods and break into a spontaneous run through the meadow when the spirit moves me. With my health transformation came eczema-free skin and the unexpected perk of my once stick-straight hair spiraling into curls as I grew out my silver.
Being raised with addiction and generational pain comes in many forms and walks of life- some are just prettier on the surface but equally weighted with gravity. Prolonged white-knuckling stress and unprocessed trauma can wreak havoc on the cellular level. We can address it for years, work toward integration and healing, but subconsciously, internally, remain in the trenches. Until we find the taproot, pull it from our cellular consciousness, and acquire daily lifelong tools for maintenance, we will go in circles. For me, the vital turning point was understanding that my illness was the by-product of complex energetic patterns replaying in my physical nervous system. Within 6 months of this awakening and putting in the sometimes agonizing emotional work, I had literally been reborn, and all of that good stuff I was doing for my physical body could take effect with more positive results!
I am, finally, living in a body that is no longer at war with itself. I am, finally, a healed human being with deep compassion for others who are still searching for their own solutions. For me, healing began with a spiritual experience that led to understanding my body’s unique physiological patterns of emotion (we all have them!) that began before I learned to walk. My healing began when I confronted all the emotional pain I had literally buried in my nervous system, soft tissues, and womb. My healing began when I aligned with specific sound frequencies to dissolve the cellular imprints of the past. My healing began when I met the eternal, cosmic part of myself who showed me that all of existence vibrates with joy—not the mood of joy but the frequency of joy. My healing firmly took root with a powerful trauma-free kundalini awakening.
Although my transformation feels miraculous, when we understand the body’s energetic/vibrational workings, it is simply an example of what might be attainable when we work with multilevel resonance and resolution of emotional trauma at the vibrational level. I believe that most of us on this planet are cellular flash drives of our pain, grief, losses, frustrations, unconscious or unacknowledged anger, self-negation, and internalizations of wounding from other wounded souls. I believe that stubborn, unresponsive, chronic illness has a deep psychosomatic taproot. The word psychosomatic does not connote imaginary ill health or mental instability but simply, unconscious mind-body connections--very real physical illness with subconscious emotional origins.
The most beautiful thing about the past five years is realizing that I no longer have to embody emotional pain (my own and that of others in my family constellation). I am also not what my illness led me to believe. I am whole, and to my surprise, capable of deep, exquisite, life-changing joy that is independent of personal or global circumstances. Four and a half years ago, I had no goals, no ambitions--not even to have robust health. All I did was allow myself the process and to feel the process.
Aside from my "day job" as a paid magazine writer, I have fully re-embraced my first love, which is music. Maintaining my healing involves decisions that nourish my emotional and energetic reserves, so this past spring, despite many followers, it felt right to withdraw completely from the social media fray and opt for a quieter, more unconventional path. Behind the scenes, in between work and everyday life, I am dedicating every spare moment to a multimedia body of work that tells this story of healing, inner ascension, and possibility; it is a calling born from the miracle of this transformation, one that I hold sacred and not without deep humility and gratitude.
It amazes me when I look back and realize that everything I have worked toward most of my life has bloomed, visibly aligning only the past four years. This coming-together (finally!) of personal goals effortlessly followed this life-altering shift in my physical health, inner creative life, and spiritual foundation. I do not see it as coincidence. Through this miraculous passage, for me, the single most profound take-away is this: Frequency is everything and everything is frequency, and when we change on the deep energetic level, we not only can heal chronic illness but witness a falling-into-place of many aspects of life. I believe that we must first love ourselves enough to allow it. We must also level illusionary walls of preconceived ideas about self--ideas placed upon us by others as well as ourselves. Self-honesty is paramount, and we must work with Love...without it, nothing is possible. I cannot help but notice, as a society, how we find it much easier to talk about illness rather than heaIing, and I'd like to be part of a much-needed shift. I am now talking more openly about all of it because I feel that it is vitally important. Yes, with the right elements, the right timing, and emotional willingness, multidimensional healing is possible.
Feel free to read:
Wishing you many blessings...be free!